i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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