Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
