it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
