I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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