he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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