That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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