Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
