my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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