1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
