I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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