he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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