felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
