It's Friday. Sex?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
