We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
