I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
