i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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