Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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