You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
