You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
