You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
