i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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