i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
