he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
