i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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