You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
