Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
