I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
