I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My breasts were aching with rage.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
