Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
