i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's shark week go big or go home
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize