It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
