I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
