I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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