just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
