If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
