Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
