i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
