Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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