well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
