I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
