her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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