remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize