Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
