i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
