I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
