Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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