The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
