The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm always down for nudity.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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