More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize