We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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