if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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