today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Im part way to drunk.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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