I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
