Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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