he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
