it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
