I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
