Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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