i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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