just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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