Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
